Married Sex Frequency

So is it only NBA stars and multi-millionaires that have sex more than once per day?  No way! Married couples can set a few records (and probably with a lot less STD's).

One married superstar wrote in about an unrelated issue and his story came out: he and his wife of 20+ years have averaged making love 1.5 times per day! Holy Chalupa!

When I heard his story, I asked him to share a few tidbits with us mortals. I mean one nugget from a pro just might bump some of us up to 0.1 or 0.2 times per day, eh?

NOTE:  Other pages that may be of interest to some of you is my discussion of Christian Nymphos, 8 Research-Backed Ways to Make Your Marriage Last and Why Get Married Anyway?.

Here is what he wrote back to me:

 INTERVIEW

Q. You mentioned that you average about 1.5 times per day of making love and actually like to keep track. I've got to ask: what is your motivation for keeping stats?

A. We've learned to be very open with each other, and to talk about our sexuality and what turns us on, or feels good during foreplay, helps bring on orgasm, etc. I have always preferred 'making love' over 'getting laid'. I want my lover to receive as much or more pleasure than I am receiving, and I want our pleasure to be over-the-top spectacular as often as possible. Penthouse forums proved to be more adolescent entertainment than real sex education, so learning to love and be loved by a real woman takes honest communication, trial and error--without pride getting in the way, and lots of hands-on experience... Oh Yeah!

Note: too much 'talking about it' during the act itself can let the air out of the balloon, and passion can plummet... Oh No! Talk about it before or after for the most benefit. Plan the event sometimes, but always be ready for improvisation. At some point we realized we were having amazing sex quite regularly (compared to reports we heard from friends), so my wife put an extra calendar on the inside door of my armoire. She got some different size stars, and started putting a star (or stars) on the days we hooked up. The days I got a really big star put a smile on my face...

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One plus for this kind of record-keeping is you can check it out at the end of the month and reminisce on some of the highlights, and see when the activity was less than usual—and talk about what was going on then.

My wife and I see our love-life as a celebration of what we have together. We've always had extra calenders around, so she hung one inside of my armoire, and put stars on it every day we made love. Big stars and multiple stars got bonus points! But seriously, it gave a baseline for what was happening at the time, and some kind of an idea for our 'average' level of sexual activity.

At some point we stopped using the calendars, but the awareness we gained continued, along with our ability to talk/reminisce about it. Having sex 3 -5+ times per week was normal for those busy raising-little-kids years, but there is hope! I read that a woman's libido increases as she grows more wise and mature (smooz for 40s+), so about that time I said to my wife “Don't hold back on my account... I'll do the best I can to keep up!”.

The average went up after that because she felt more freedom to be the pursuer and initiator, and because of other things. The first 10 day vacation (NC mountains) w/o the kids caused a return to the tally system for obvious reasons. Second Honeymoon! Yeah!

And knowing what we know now... I have been aware of our daily average since then, and we have fun talking about it. Lately, the economy has seriously changed our financial position, but we tell each other we are Rich in lovin... the tallies prove it.

Q. So on most nights who is pushing who to make love? Is it you asking her or vice versa?

A.  Interesting that you say 'nights' in the question. I suppose when we were younger, and with young kids, the majority of lovin happened later in the evening when the kids were tucked in bed. Mornings, then, were more about caring for said kids and getting ready for the workday. Still, I see 'night' as actually starting at bedtime and going all the way until we get up in the morning.

We have grown to like early morning sessions over the late nights because we are rested and fresh (after a tooth-brushing and perhaps a shower), and with the economic downturn we have more time in the mornings now. Since we men are quicker to come first thing in the morning, and slower as the day progresses, a man needs to be able to control his climax for morning lovin. The occasional quickie is lots of fun, but we agree ahead of time that's what we are going for so she can concentrate on moving towards climax sooner.

As we get older, we find we're both awake sometimes in the middle of the night, and some lovin can not only help us fall asleep again, but there is also no real time limit since it's hours until we have to get up. Answer: In the early years I was more often the initiator, but now I think we're pretty even in who makes the first move.

We always had the Saturday morning 'thing' where we nearly always made love. This was the only day we could sleep in a little, so even if we couldn't wait and fooled around Friday night, the assumption was we'd go again in the morning unless something came up (no pun intended).

For preplanned or assumed times like that no one needs to initiate—you just cuddle a bit and let your bodies go where they will. Not everyday is Saturday, but our mornings are more relaxed now, so we wake up early enough to make love most every day. It's become somewhat of a habit, I suppose (some habits are a good thing!).

So there is no real pursuing going on as much as just some spooning or sensual massage to get things going. Our sexual appetites and schedules are nearly the same, so this works for us. But if we average more than once a day, then there are the spontaneous times where someone initiates. Some sexy talk in the kitchen, a lingering kiss, hugs in the hallway—these are clues that someone may be in the mood, and if the time is right, we may end up in the bedroom.

I think that when life is getting me down then she senses this and initiates more. When I'm loving life then I initiate more.

. Your story is remarkable, because you are married and have sex as much as an NBA star. Tell some of us mortals the secrets to keeping your wife so interested in making love so often?

A: First the negatives: unforgiveness, resentment, keeping track of 'offenses', grudges, angry words... these are like five gallons of water on a campfire. Our motto is : Make Love not War. This doesn't mean ignoring irritations or issues when they come up; it means Peace Talks... Lots of them.

You may notice in my answers that I think good communication is key to a lot of things. I'll talk more about conflicts in a later question. On the positive side: build the fire in the first place.

My wife's sexuality needed to be 'awakened' when we were first married. I know this sounds crazy, but we waited until our wedding night to have sex the first time. This was possible because we believed strongly that our marriage had a better chance of surviving this way. We had a long platonic friendship, and a short engagement.

Awakening sexuality in her was a process involving talking about it (not at all easy at first), playful experimentation, reading books on the marriage relationship and how to improve our sex life. Position manuals like the Kama Sutra are fun to contemplate, and try to imitate, although most positions are only suited for gymnasts and dancers...

I think some men feel their women are 'undersexed', or 'frigid' and so they give up rather than realizing that a fire just needs to be firmly, but lovingly, started and built. Also, a woman needs to feel completely accepted by her man before she will fully surrender to him sexually.

Society has set up too high a standard for physical beauty  in women, and she will know if you get hung up on this. Remember that the only lasting beauty is inner beauty. And, deep down, (for some, way deep down) a woman wants a man who is willing to be the leader in the home. Someone who will stand up for what he believes in. I'm not talking about a dictator now... just someone with backbone. Willing to take a chance and fail rather than take no chances at all. Lastly: satisfaction.

While a woman can occasionally do without an orgasm and still be satisfied sexually through the intimacy, touching, skin on skin... this should certainly not be the rule. Lee Myer says a lot about this in his website: PeakTestosterone.com. So work on your game men. Learn to control your climax as there are penalties for early withdrawal. We are microwave ovens and women are slow-cookers. Find out what positions and moves give her the stimulation she needs so she can have great orgasms too.

Most of what we learned as young men about sex and satisfying a woman is just plain wrong. We need to unravel the preconceptions, know our lover well, learn what makes her feel good, find out her sexual fantasies... and what lights her fire. Communication, Communication, Communication.

So now, after 24 years of marriage, the fire still burns brightly in both of us. Brighter now actually because we are beyond the bulk of the child-raising, career-building years. We are more free to be friends and companions - lovers now rather than always seeming to be in the 'mom' or 'dad' role. If I knew then that we would be having such a good time now, it would have made those hard years easier, I think.