Let me apologize in advance, because this post is long-winded (mine tend to be, I type fast). But I am hurtin' these days, so getting ready to make a change.
Some of you may or may not remember me from my temporarily successful run on Clomid (http://www.peaktestosterone.com/forum/index.php?topic=7393.0
That's a 7 page thread, but I will sum it up in a few lines:
- After having issues with anxiety and heart palpitations, I tested my T levels, they were very low (200s)
- Tried dieting and working out, but it didn't do much
- Went to endocrinologist, she first recommended testosterone cream. I was leary of permantly turning off my nads, so I asked about Clomid
- We gave that a shot, and low and behold my T went up sky high. Up to 1000, and it was even in the 800-1000 range at 12.5 every 2-3 days.
- Downside was my estrogen was also very high at ~60 or higher. She shot down the idea of an aromatase inhibitor. She isn't a male clinic, just a standard endo.
- Since this was an "reset" attempt, we weened slowly off. My T came back down to 450, and then I think 390 or so eventually after many months.
- Not sure what it is now, but I am ready to test it again, think it's probably 300 ish.
- I am going to be 43 in a few weeks. I was 41 when I started on the clomid, and it's been a year or so off. Life has been better since, but challenges below ...
- Did something recently - checked my wife's phone. Honestly I was curious to see what she was doing these days, since our sex life has waned entirely (it's been many months since we've had sex). Didn't know if I would find an affair there, or even a psychological one. What I found crushed me. I was unhappy one night and so came and said "we need to talk". We went through the usual ... we're tired. It's my fault due to porn (which years ago I was a lot more into, maybe once a week now due to lower libido). She didn't take any blame. But later that night, she googled for "what to do not attracted to my husband" as well as "not sexually attracted to my husband". You can bet I was crushed. Angry too, since I was always considered the "catch". Not to sound like a jerk, but I was the one who had lots of options when we were younger and met in college, and previous relationships. She wasn't really having much going on. I still thought her beautiful and loved her, so it worked great. Fast forward 20 years, and now she's not into me. Even though I realized I am a hypocrite, because she doesn't turn me on either (but mainly because she's always been what you would call a prude - lights off, try nothing different. She just likes the good old fashioned standard bang). But if she ever threw something provocative on, I'd be ready to go.
So this has been killing me now for weeks, haven't told her because (A) I don't want to blow my cover, it would turn into me being the bad guy for spying, even though she's the bad guy for failing to be open all these years (who knows how long?) and (B) I get the feeling that confidence, masculinity and such are far better than insecurity, jealousy.
So my original plan was to do something about. I know for many years she saw me as very good looking. I'm 42, not 60. I've been killing myself for years and years to provide for the entire family (she makes peanuts at a part time job, enough to pay for some groceries, I make all the rest, pay for all kids, insurances, mortgages, cars, everything). In doing so I have let myself go for years. It's never been a priority - heck, I commute 5 hours round trip 4 times a week to NYC to make all of this go. If I took a job closer to home, we wouldn't have enough to live the mediocre life we currently live, and I now have an oldest going to college in less than 2 years.
So here are my questions, in no order:
1. Can a wife "smell" low T? Could this be the driver? If other women think I am a "handsome" guy - albeit a few pounds overweight, could this be the main difference? Or is she just done entirely?
2. If a man were to go on TRT, does the wife see that as insecurity, or non-natural and weak? Along these lines, does it make sense to downplay it and/or do it almost in secret? I have to wonder if the only thing worse to a woman who has seen her man get older and soft, is to see him desperately trying to do hormone treatments.
3. I figure no matter what, even if her and I don't work out in the long run, there can't be any harm in me finally putting myself first after 20 years of putting myself last. Whether it's for her, myself, or the next woman ... have you had luck with this? I've stopped trying to be the loving/caring husband, and instead taken more of a path of a normal guy. If I want to golf, I do. Go to gym? I do. Watch football on Sunday? I do. In the past, I was often worried about us being a "couple" and sacrificed these things. Social life is a different challenge, as I work in a far away city, and having spent 20 years working like a dog, social life isn't amazing - not much to work with.
4. Should I consider going back on clomid? I responded well, although it had a side effect (not proven). After coming off of it, a few months later I developed cataracts. The kind that you get from steroids, or diabetes. Neither of which pertain to me. I had my first lens replaced a few months ago, next one in a few months. Do I consider going back on Clomid? It helped my libido, and my anxiety, but still was incredibly hard to lose body fat.
5. If not, what's the latest on TRT? I know that this is probably a very pro-TRT biased board, but my brain WANTS to believe that it's healthy and fine. But of course last thing I want to do is take 8 years off my life due to a cardiac issue or hardened arteries.
6. If I do TRT, and I going to be stuck with no nads, and weekly injections for the rest of my life?
7. Is there any point in trying one more time to get more sleep (I get 6-7 hours), workout more, eat more brazil nuts, celery and parsley and stuff, and do things naturally?
8. I actually don't want to gain much more muscle. I'm already 245 lbs, and a bunch of it is muscle. It's just the fat layer on top of it that I want to shed. When I went on Clomid, I got stronger, and had more energy and libido, but I actually gained some weight in muscle, but saw virtually zero fat loss, even with the exercise.
9. Do I go back to the endocrinologist, who may or may not be greatly qualified (she spoke with plenty of confidence)? Or do I go to a clinic? There is something called Maze Men's Health near me, but it has a few downsides. Whereas the endo lady seems like she's just trying to do her job - she isn't in need of lots of patients as she has plenty, and she goes fully through my insurance, the Maze clinic is one of those places, like many, who say "they dont take insurance because they care about you", and they make you try to get out of network reimbursements. That sounds like it could add up. I also worry about some of these men's clinics really just being marketing experts who know all aging guys are hard up to burn their cash on a fountain of youth snake oil, even if it has deadly side effects. Tell me I am nuts
10. Did any of you resolve your sexual situation with your spouse as a result of all of this? My wife and I have a number of issues ... we both like the other person to initiate (I like the woman to be seductive, she likes the man to take charge), she has lots of insecurities sexually, and has always been a little prudish. I've always wanted someone more ... "open minded". But at a minumum, we get along great as friends, still love each other, but I need to have something more intimate than Mr. and Mrs. Parent of 3 kids corporation that we currently run. I'm not sure if she has a major libido issue, or not. My libido issue is probably the low T. Hers may be a husband who isn't appealing because he smells like he has low T.
Thanks in advance, gents.