« on: July 07, 2013, 01:15:16 pm »
Bit of a disclaimer: If you aren't into having sexual relationships, this probably isn't for you.
I've been hearing from a lot of guys on the forum that they are disappointed with their sexual encounters. I'm not an expert on sexual relationships either and nobody would put me into the category of guru. I have noticed in my own experience however that the most satisfying sex comes from partners whom I have built a sexual relationship with. Sex with strangers, like one night stands or hookers, generally is dissatisfying to me. It's usually pretty bad. I don't know if all men are like that, I get the impression that many men are genuinely just so horny that anything with a pulse will do. But for me, it just feels really awkward and I'm really not into it most of the time although I can still do it. The best sex comes with a partner whom I care about. At first it usually isn't great, we might have some miscommunications or issues, but later it gets better because we care about eachother's pleasure and we learn the skills of lovemaking. Everybody has their little buttons, like biting the ear lobe, pulling hair, scratching the belly whatever. When there's that emotional connection too, it leads to satisfying sex. I don't think that's possible with a hooker or a one night stand or someone whom you don't have a decent relationship with outside of the bedroom. Obviously that means thinking about them and being considerate of their feelings in all things.
Also a lot of guys are having issues with ED. Not all sex involves a penis. How do you think lesbians get on? There are plenty of people who engage in BDSM "scenes" without ever taking their clothes off. Foot fetishists (I'm sure there's a couple on this site at least) don't need anything but the site of a woman's foot! There was even a survey about gay men and it was found that 20% of them don't participate in anal sex, they only use oral or manual sex. The point is you don't need an erection to have sex.
If you're a man and a woman that you're attracted to asked you if it'd be alright if she just gave you a blowjob you'd be crazy not to accept wouldn't you? So why should you feel that penis in vagina penetrative sex is the pinnacle, end-all-be-all of sex? You can have sex in other ways and still please your partner. There was another survey that I heard about that boasted that women who are in relationships with men who have small penises are more likely to report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. The explanation is that men with small penis's try harder to please their partners.
Even if you can't get an erection and your partner really needs the in and out, there is something called the strap-on! You can have an instant hard dick. Why not use it? If you knew you had this problem and got into the sack with your partner anyway, you weren't really expecting an orgasm were you? So why make your partner suffer? There are plenty of women who can't experience an orgasm from vaginal sex and yet they still do it so I think men can make that sacrifice too.
If you don't know how to enter into a sexual relationship and how to disclose these problems, the golden rule in any first encounter is that people are looking for good judgement. It's very bad judgement to disclose something like "I can't maintain an erection" on the first date. If you say that, it will reflect negatively on your judgement and make you less attractive. But is it dishonest to lead someone on? Well you should come clean about it eventually so that there aren't any misunderstanding or false expectations in the bedroom. So if this is someone you're connecting with for a casual sexual relationship, maybe by the second date or when it's time to get into bed together you can say "I've had a bit of erectile dysfunction lately so is it ok if we just roll around a bit and maybe throw in some oral or manual sex?" That way you've made disclosure so she won't be thinking that she isn't turning you on when you don't get an erection, you've set the expectation so nobody will be disappointed, and you can both still have fun. But whatever you do, say it positively as if you're unwrapping a present for her that she gets to have oral sex with you etc. Don't make it like a cancer diagnosis.
If she really needs a man who can do the in and out, then don't feel bad. You're just not the man for her. Out of 100 women there's only going to be 1 who you might be compatible with anyway. Don't pout and say "Well we're perfect for eachother in every way except for sex!" That's kind of discrediting sex. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and if that isn't there, it's just not going to work.
If you're trying to setup an encounter or a profile on one of those Internet dating sites or casual encounters sex websites, this is a place where you can make more of a full disclosure right away. You can just say in your profile "I prefer oral and manual sex..." or something along those lines to set the expectation. Then if someone reads that and they really just love vaginal sex only, they probably won't respond.
Most of all just be normal. It's so strange to me how guys get this idea that it has to be a game like hunting or you have to trick the woman into liking you or say something special. Just treat the woman as a normal human being and forget that she has a vagina. Just talk to her like normal! Don't try to be overly macho and prove how manly you are. I know there are quite a few "gurus" out there spreading this idea that you have to be "alpha" but that's only going to attract a certain category of women because people tend to divide themselves into categories like that. There are also a lot of women out there who are interested in a kinder, gentler man especially since the 2008 financial crisis and the recession since has hit women harder than men. There's a lot of interest in guys who are less threatening so don't play into these jokes about violence towards women "next time don't get pregnant", "barefoot, naked and pregnant in the kitchen", "make me a sandwich", etc jokes if that really isn't you. Like I said, first encounters are all about showing good judgement. So if she asks you your hobby and you say that you like UFC cage fighting, she might be a bit scared, but if you say skiing, well that's quite normal isn't it? It's just like talking with one of your other friends. Just learn to carry on with someone, be personable, engaging, funny and interesting.