Think husband has low T but he won't seek help

[leo1981]

Hi All,

I am new here and I have to say I'm so impressed with this website.  It's a wealth of information. Thank you.

I'm convinced my husband has low testosterone levels.  He has all of the symptoms described in your article and often describes that he has what he calls 'lack' which is lack of interest in anything and this often results in him staying home from work.  He does have a beer belly although he has lost 30 lbs he still has a noticable beer belly and has zero interest in sex.  We went from a couple having sex 2-3 times a week to nothing for months and months on end.  It's been about 5 years and things are getting worse to the point that he blames my post baby weight gain (our child is now nearly 3) for his disinterest.  I have however lost all the baby weight and then some and he is still disinterested in sex or in life, it would seem. To be honest, I remember him being disinterested in sex even before we had our daughter and I was very slim. So I think my weight is actually an excuse.

I suspected at one stage he might be depressed and suggested he see a doctor but he refused point blank.  He has to be forced to go to the doctor even when he's sick as a dog.  When I tried to broach the subject of his sexual disinterest he freaked out at me and yelled at me.  I'm afraid to broach the subject of low T in case he yells at me.  It's gotten to the point where he's become increasingly sullen and now won't even kiss me hello or goodbye nevermind about touch me at all unless I ask for a hug. 

Not only is he 'depressed' and lacks interest in anything he struggles to sleep, has no energy to do anything let alone exercize.  He sometimes sits on the sofa for an entire weekend without bathing, or getting up to do anything besides go to the bathroom. Quite frankly his attitude stinks and I am not the only one who has noticed it.

I've tried everything I could think of to increase his libido and get him interested in sex to no avail.

Without a blood test is there any other way I can find out if he has low T?  How can I treat him without him knowing?  I know it sounds underhanded but I fear for our marriage if this continues.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[PeakT]

Sorry to hear about all the problems.  Yes, that sounds like it could be low testosterone and/or depression.

Low testosterone can make you anxious, moody, depressed and so this can partially explain some of your husband's behavior potentially.  The erectile dysfunction that goes along with it coupled with, in some cases, anemia just makes matters even worse.

Now I do have to add a comment though:  even in my worst low testosterone days, I wanted to find answers and I wanted answers.  That's what is probably most concerning about your story is that your husband is completely unmotivated and I suspect there is more than just low testosterone to blame.  As you know from my web site, many experts believe that that depression itself can lead to low testosterone.  After all, it raises cortisol which decreases testosterone if it goes high enough. 

There are also likely some vicious cycles going on here:  being sedentary and eating poorly simply creates a downward slide in his general health and make a bad problem even worse.

But to answer your question:  there is saliva testing for testosterone and it is quite reputable.  It is for free testosterone but would give you an idea.  That said, I'm not sure what the point is in testing him without his knowledge.  If someone doesn't want to help himself, then there is nothing that you can really do. 

Maybe some of the other guys will have some ideas on how to motivate someone to get some help and testing.  That was never really an issue for me...

[makingsteel]

PEAK T you have left out a very important factor. MACHO!! Most men are just not going to talk about erections. Most men will not even consider they have low T. Remember this is fairly new stuff as far as exposure to the mans world. Most people and Dr's do not even talk about it let alone men talking about it with other men. The people on this board are a select few compared to the damage low T is doing in the world. Before modern society a man was way old at fifty. I suspect if they had the science then Low T would be a major culprit because after all back then they ate fresh foods but did not know the full connection between foods and the Endocrine system.
I feel for you LEO1981 and you need to call your Dr and the DR needs to get him in for a blood test. You don't have to be a Psychiatrist to see he's depressed. But stand by his side all the while knowing he is sick. My friends mother is 57 and has Alzheimer's. She does not recognize him anymore but he sticks by her and does the best for his mother cuz he know she's not in her right mind. It's not just when times are good that hold the glue together for a marriage. Just the fact that you are on here and looking for solutions for your husband shows deep affection and love. Good Luck.

[PeakT]

PEAK you have left out a very important factor. MACHO!! Most men are just not going to talk about erections. Most men will not even consider they have low T. Remember this is fairly new stuff as far as exposure to the mans world. Most people and Dr's do not even talk about it let alone men talking about it with other men. The people on this board are a select few compared to the damage low T is doing in the world. Before modern society a man was way old at fifty. I suspect if they had the science then Low T would be a major culprit because after all back then they ate fresh foods but did not know the full connection between foods and the Endocrine system.
I feel for you LEO1981 and you need to call your Dr and the DR needs to get him in for a blood test. You don't have to be a Psychiatrist to see he's depressed. But stand by his side all the while knowing he is sick. My friends mother is 57 and has Alzheimer's. She does not recognize him anymore but he sticks by her and does the best for his mother cuz he know she's not in her right mind. It's not just when times are good that hold the glue together for a marriage. Just the fact that you are on here and looking for solutions for your husband shows deep affection and love. Good Luck.

Great commentary...

[LowerT51]

Our good friends are going to split and it is my guess that the underlying cause is due to low T.  The husband went to my doc and was given Axiron and has not used it.  They are just so far gone that it is too late for them.  The wife is miserable after many years and wants a shot at happiness.  The husband seems very foggy all the time.  They have not had a sex life for many years.  It's just a mess.  Very unfortunate.  So if you think that you can help your husband, you need to do what you can to get him that help.  Understand that things are far more complicated in a marriage, but you need to openly communiacte and seek appropriate help.  Some guys just are stubborn about this kind of stuff.  For me, it was different as I wanted to restore my function, etc.   

[Quincy]

It’s hard to know what the problem is and without him wanting to do something about it himself it makes it extremely hard to set a course and make changes for improving.

You need to be able to talk to him in a way that doesn’t make him feel threatened. I would let him know what Low T can do to a male and finding out is a very simple thing to do. If that isn’t the problem, at least you know to search elsewhere. But if it is the problem, treatment could have a huge impact on his quality of life. I would think he knows something isn’t right and the potential to have a better life could give him the motivation to at least get a blood test. I don’t think anyone wants to feel miserable.

[LowerT51]

One would think so Quincy, but it depends on the guy. 

[feelgood]

Our good friends are going to split and it is my guess that the underlying cause is due to low T.  The husband went to my doc and was given Axiron and has not used it.  They are just so far gone that it is too late for them.  The wife is miserable after many years and wants a shot at happiness.  The husband seems very foggy all the time.  They have not had a sex life for many years.  It's just a mess.  Very unfortunate.  So if you think that you can help your husband, you need to do what you can to get him that help.  Understand that things are far more complicated in a marriage, but you need to openly communiacte and seek appropriate help.  Some guys just are stubborn about this kind of stuff.  For me, it was different as I wanted to restore my function, etc.

unreal that he wouldn't use it....how could that be? doesn't he see he needs it?

[LowerT51]

Apparently not.  I had a confidential conversation with him last year and found out that he has basically no sex drive.  I told him about my experiences and how the pellets really turned things around for me.He did see my doc, but I didn't want to be overly nosy, etc.  He never brought it up again.  His wife told my wife that things are bad and that he didn't apply the Axiron, etc.  She is just done.  Think it's too late for them.